(1) “Sex tape made me feel worthless” said Pamela Anderson – net worth $8 million. (October 17, 2016)
(2) My wife wanted to name our new daughter after Hillary Clinton. So we Christened her Janus. (October 18, 2016)
For an explanation of Hillary Clinton jokes, click here.
(3) The Hillary Clinton Top Ten
10. Little Rock – Collin Ray
9. Satisfied – John Miles
8. A Touch Of Madness – Aldo Nova
7. Doctor My Eyes – Jackson Browne
6. Fat Rich Cunts – The Screaming Jets
5. The Big Money – Rush
4. Liar – Queen
3. Devil Woman – Cliff Richard
2. How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life? – Lane/Lerner
1. Help! – The Beatles.
(October 29, 2016)
(4) Question: What is Hillary Clinton’s favourite bridge contract?
Answer: One No Trump. (November 2, 2016).
(5) A hundred years from now Hillary Clinton will be remembered for her massive contributions to American culture: the phrases “vast right wing conspiracy” and “basket of deplorables”. (November 2, 2016)
(6) Hillary Clinton said if she had another daughter, she would call her Huma.
If she had a son, she’d have called him Rico. (November 5, 2016)
(7) I don’t know what Allahu Akbar means but it seems to scare off Jehovah’s Witnesses whenever I shout it at them. (November 5, 2016)
<8) As it’s Bonfire Night I should go out and watch the local kids burn a guy, but I’ve decided to wait another three days and watch the Americans burn a witch. (November 5, 2016)
(9) Hlllary Clinton was gracious in defeat, wishing Donald Trump the best for the future. Lying to the end. (November 9, 2016)
(10) Q: Who was the last man to fuck Hillary Clinton?
A: Donald Trump. (November 10, 2016)
(11) Hillary Clinton said she is the most transparent politician she knows.
She’s right, the American public saw right through her. (November 14, 2016)
(12) Q: What do Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have in common?
A: They both fucked Hillary. (November 14, 2016)
(13) Hillary Clinton believes in empowering women and girls: her $2 billion foundation empowers a woman called Hillary and a girl named Chelsea. (November 14, 2016)
(14) The protests against Trump were inevitable; the Americans have exported so much democracy they don’t have any left. (Adapted from a quote by Diana Davison and posted November 15, 2016)
(15) Q: What’s the difference between Michelle Obama at work and Bill Clinton at home?
Michelle Obama is a cunt in the White House. (November 15, 2016)
(16) Danniella Westbrook has just landed the lead in a pantomime that she says will be her most challenging role ever: Pinocchio. (November 15, 2016)
For an explanation of Danniella Westbrook jokes, click here.
(17) Pigs can be pessimists, scientists find – After the Michah Johnson shooting I’d say that was less pessimism than realism. (November 16, 2016)
(18) I was doing my washing yesterday when the owner walked in and sacked the manageress. When she asked why, he told her he was giving her job to Hillary Clinton because “She’s got more dirty laundry than you ”. (November 16, 2016)
(19) Strange day at the Old Bailey: one bloke murdered a woman because he hated Cox; another killed men because he liked them. (November 23, 2016)
(20) Thomas Mair on jail suicide watch... – I hope they sell tickets for it; I’d like to watch the evil cunt die. (November 29, 2016)
(21) They got an awful lot of coffins in Brazil. (November 29, 2016)
(22) Man very Unwell. (December 2, 2016)
(23) Edward Heath child abuse investigation ‘not a witch-hunt’ says the Chief Cuntstable of Wiltshire.
Too right, it’s a fucking ghost hunt. (December 2, 2016)
(24) Simon Cowell and the X Factor stars join campaign to give special Christmas to Britain’s sickest kids
They’re sending Jon Venables and William Cornick to an Agatha Christie murder weekend. (December 4, 2016)
(p)(25) Experts Identify Mummified Legs as Those of Egyptian Queen Nefertari
I’m not impressed; I still say they belong to Joan Collins. (December 4, 2016)
(26) Kanye West’s Hospitalization Blamed On Medication Doses
Too right, a near fatal overdose of Kardashian. (December 5, 2016)
(27) Angela Merkel says she’ll ban the burqa because it doesn’t belong in Germany.
How about they keep the burqa and kick out five million Moslems instead? (December 7, 2016)
(28) The giraffe is said to be facing extinction. I’ll stick my neck out and say it won’t happen. (December 8, 2016)
(29) I hope Greg Lake believes in Jesus as well as Father Christmas. (December 8, 2016)
(30) December has been a bad month for Danniella Westbrook, but not as bad as Septumber. (December 22, 2016)
(31) I see Rick Parfitt has gone Down Down. (December 24, 2016)
(32) Rick Parfitt may not be going “Down Down” anymore, but neither will George Michael. (December 25, 2016)
(33) “I’m never gonna dance again...or sing, or walk, or eat, or drink...” (December 26, 2016)
(34) I wasn’t surprised the Queen would be missing the Christmas service after developing a heavy cold. I was surprised it killed him though; he was only 53. (December 27, 2016)
(35) Q: What did Rick Parfitt say to George Michael on Boxing Day 2016?
A: Fuck off, I’m not going “Down Down” on you. (December 27, 2016)
(36) Jeremy Corbyn compares Theresa May to King Henry VIII...
I don’t like fat rich cunts with beards. (December 29, 2016)
(37) Dannielle Westbrook has been seen playing bingo in Runcorn. That’s the only way she might find a house. (December 29, 2016)
(38) German officials say Facebook could be fined over hate speech posts
Seventy years on German leader still persecuting Jews (December 29, 2016 but published originally on Facebook, December 18)
(39) Plane carrying six disappears over Lake Erie
David Copperfield says he is only sorry Paul Daniels could not live long enough to see his magnum opus. (Decembe 30, 2016)
(40) Hillary Clinton Urged to Run for New York Mayor
I thought she was the Mare of New York. (January 6, 2017)
(41) Austrian police investigate Afghans over New Year’s sexual assaults
Dogging must be illegal there as well. (January 9, 2017)
(42) A pizza shop worker has been sacked for insulting a grandmother of 26.
Fucking hell, I didn’t have my first child until I was 31. (January 13, 2017)
(43) A circle, a triangle and a square are arguing about their local MP who had been accused of taking bribes.
The circle says to the other two: “I think he’s totally corrupt”.
The triangle replies: “He’s denied all the charges, and I have total faith in him”.
The square says to the triangle: “Don’t be obtuse”. (January 16, 2017)
(44) Hillary Clinton Aide Huma Abedin Wears All Black to the Inauguration
Bill Clinton said she was wearing black knickers too. (January 20, 2017)
(45) Feminism is the belief that a woman has the right to withdraw her consent at any time. Including after sex. (January 22, 2017)
(46) Donald Trump says he is going to reintroduce torture in the war against ISIS. All terrorist suspects will be forced to watch endless reruns of The Apprentice. (January 26, 2017)
(47) I thought Hiroshima was a war crime until I heard karaoke.(January 27, 2017)
(48) Ex Eastenders star Danniella Westbrook BLASTS EastEnders
I’d tell her to keep her nose out of it. If she had one. (January 28, 2017)
(49) “My film about fighting racist law shows all voices can be heard”.
If she wants to make a stand against bigotry she should start by charging her name from Ruth Negga. (February 3, 2017)
(50) “Homelessness is a stain on London’s conscience, we must be able to find solutions to it”
I’m not sure if importing half a million Syrians is the right way to go about it. (February 3, 2017)
(51) Man jailed after killing neighbour with POTATO
I had a spud gun when I was a kid; I didn’t realise they were real. (February 6, 2017)
(52) I always thought Danniella Westbrook would outlive Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Pity her nose didn’t. (February 8, 2017)
(53) Michelle Obama to be guest judge on Gordon Ramsay’s MasterChef Junior
Looks like the winning recipe will be fried chicken and watermelon washed down by a Coors beer. (February 10, 2017)
(54) Jane Park to sue Euromillions for letting her gamble at 17 after claiming £1m win ruined her life
So she is angry they gave her so much money, now having thrown it away she is suing them for more money so she can ruin her life all over again. (February 13, 2017)
(55) Woolly mammoth could be brought back from the dead in two years
I didn’t even know Susan Boyle had retired. (February 16, 2017)
(56) Here is the news in black and white:
Miss South Africa 2016 arrested at London Heathrow Airport With 2Kg of Cocaine (February 22, 2017)
(57) Cressida Dick makes history as Metropolitan Police’s first female Commissioner
This is the second time she’s made history; the first was in 2005 when she authorised armed police to kill an innocent man. (February 22, 2017)
(58) Lindsay Lohan:I was racially profiled and asked to remove headscarf at Heathrow
The Moslem customs officer profiled her as a mad white bitch with a serious cocaine problem. (February 22, 2017)
(59) I’ve heard the new Police Commissioner Cressida Dick is a lesbian. I have my doubts after the way she fucked Jean Charles de Menezes. (March 3, 2017)
(60) Barack Obama has dismissed as ludicrous claims by Donald Trump that his predecessor tapped his phones during the 2016 election campaign. So has Edward Snowden. (March 4, 2017)
(61) FBI asked Justice Department to refute Trump’s wiretapping claim
The FBI Director has responded: “The claim President Trump made to his son-in-law in a phone call to his private apartment at 11.19am last Monday has no basis in fact”. (March 6, 2017)
(62) If Rachel Maddow is a dyke, how come she just got fucked by Donald Trump? (March 15, 2017)
(63) Secret Buckingham Palace plan for Queen’s death revealed
There will be wall-to-wall coverage of his greatest hits starting with Candle In The Wind and ending with I’m Still Standing. (March 16, 2017)
(64) Chelsea Clinton Releasing Children’s Book Inspired By Elizabeth Warren
It’s called The Return Of Pocahontas; her next book will be inspired by her mother: The Witch Of Arkansas. (March 17, 2017)
(65) (66) From Chuck Berry to bury Chuck. (March 19, 2017)
(67) How the latest terror attack on Parliament was reported:
Metropolitan Police: A police officer was killed. Three members of the public also died.
(68) Westminster attacker named by police as Khalid Masood
(69) Trump Signs NASA Bill Aimed at Sending People to Mars
(70) Gunman in a PIG MASK goes on rampage at the famous Bellagio casino in Las Vegas
(71) Four-year-old girl dies after ‘hit and run’ crash
(72) Why London is the best place to be a Muslim
(73) 10 struggles Muslim girls will relate to
(74) George Michael laid to rest in private funeral
(75) Stourbridge stabbings: homeless man charged with murder
Susan Rice. Because black girls do it better. (April 5, 2017)
(77) Man accused of eating girlfriend to get mental evaluations
(78) Just heard about that terror attack in Sweden. They laughed at Donald Trump, now they’ll realise he’s psychic. (April 7, 2017)
(79) Chechnya denies imprisoning, torturing gays, claiming they don’t exist there
(80) Elephants pass intelligence test with ‘profound implications’ for our understanding of the species
Back To Sickipedia Jokes (Introduction)
I bet he was arrested by a Constable. (March 19, 2017)
Socialist Worker: Freedom fighters attack centre of Imperialist power.
Anti-Racist Alliance: Terror attack on Parliament provoked by racist policies of Donald Trump.
The Fawcett Society: Another shocking example of male violence.
ISIS: Four down, sixty million to go. (March 22, 2017)
I can’t say I’m surprised. Marrying that stupid cow from EastEnders would be enough to drive anyone mad. (March 23, 2017)
Wouldn’t his original plan of building a wall be cheaper? (March 24, 2017)
It was a whole five minutes before security realised he wasn’t a real police officer. (March 25, 2017)
I blame the parents, letting a kid of that age drive. (March 26, 2017)
Plenty of underage girls to pick up in the amusement arcades. Prostitutes to attack in the West End. Queers to bash coming out of their clubs. Plenty of Jews in Stamford Hill, easy targets. No bomb detecting equipment on the Underground. (March 29, 2017)
Wearing the niqab, especially when you go shoplifting; crying racism when you’re caught; being sexually assaulted by your imam, blackmailing him after videoing it on your mobile phone; being raped by your uncle, gang-banged by his drinking pals, beaten up by your brother, pimped by your other brother, called a slut by your mother, being murdered by your father for dating a heathen. (March 29, 2017)
Don’t wake me up when you go, go! (March 29, 2017)
Guess he won’t be be homeless for the next thirty years. (March 31, 2017)
(76)
When I ate mine, all I got was the taste of fish in my mouth. (April 7, 2017)
“We’ve killed them all”, said the Ambassador. (April 11, 2017)
Guess that means I won’t be able to call my wife Dumbo anymore. (April 12, 2017)
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