(1) “Sex tape made me feel worthless” said Pamela Anderson – net worth $8 million. (October 17, 2016)
(2) My wife wanted to name our new daughter after Hillary Clinton. So we Christened her Janus. (October 18, 2016)
For an explanation of Hillary Clinton jokes, click here.
(3) The Hillary Clinton Top Ten
10. Little Rock – Collin Ray
9. Satisfied – John Miles
8. A Touch Of Madness – Aldo Nova
7. Doctor My Eyes – Jackson Browne
6. Fat Rich Cunts – The Screaming Jets
5. The Big Money – Rush
4. Liar – Queen
3. Devil Woman – Cliff Richard
2. How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life? – Lane/Lerner
1. Help! – The Beatles.
(October 29, 2016)
(4) Question: What is Hillary Clinton’s favourite bridge contract?
Answer: One No Trump. (November 2, 2016).
(5) A hundred years from now Hillary Clinton will be remembered for her massive contributions to American culture: the phrases “vast right wing conspiracy” and “basket of deplorables”. (November 2, 2016)
(6) Hillary Clinton said if she had another daughter, she would call her Huma.
If she had a son, she’d have called him Rico. (November 5, 2016)
(7) I don’t know what Allahu Akbar means but it seems to scare off Jehovah’s Witnesses whenever I shout it at them. (November 5, 2016)
<8) As it’s Bonfire Night I should go out and watch the local kids burn a guy, but I’ve decided to wait another three days and watch the Americans burn a witch. (November 5, 2016)
(9) Hlllary Clinton was gracious in defeat, wishing Donald Trump the best for the future. Lying to the end. (November 9, 2016)
(10) Q: Who was the last man to fuck Hillary Clinton?
A: Donald Trump. (November 10, 2016)
(11) Hillary Clinton said she is the most transparent politician she knows.
She’s right, the American public saw right through her. (November 14, 2016)
(12) Q: What do Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have in common?
A: They both fucked Hillary. (November 14, 2016)
(13) Hillary Clinton believes in empowering women and girls: her $2 billion foundation empowers a woman called Hillary and a girl named Chelsea. (November 14, 2016)
(14) The protests against Trump were inevitable; the Americans have exported so much democracy they don’t have any left. (Adapted from a quote by Diana Davison and posted November 15, 2016)
(15) Q: What’s the difference between Michelle Obama at work and Bill Clinton at home?
Michelle Obama is a cunt in the White House. (November 15, 2016)
(16) Danniella Westbrook has just landed the lead in a pantomime that she says will be her most challenging role ever: Pinocchio. (November 15, 2016)
For an explanation of Danniella Westbrook jokes, click here.
(17) Pigs can be pessimists, scientists find – After the Michah Johnson shooting I’d say that was less pessimism than realism. (November 16, 2016)
(18) I was doing my washing yesterday when the owner walked in and sacked the manageress. When she asked why, he told her he was giving her job to Hillary Clinton because “She’s got more dirty laundry than you ”. (November 16, 2016)
(19) Strange day at the Old Bailey: one bloke murdered a woman because he hated Cox; another killed men because he liked them. (November 23, 2016)
(20) Thomas Mair on jail suicide watch... – I hope they sell tickets for it; I’d like to watch the evil cunt die. (November 29, 2016)
(21) They got an awful lot of coffins in Brazil. (November 29, 2016)
(22) Man very Unwell. (December 2, 2016)
(23) Edward Heath child abuse investigation ‘not a witch-hunt’ says the Chief Cuntstable of Wiltshire.
Too right, it’s a fucking ghost hunt. (December 2, 2016)
(24) Simon Cowell and the X Factor stars join campaign to give special Christmas to Britain’s sickest kids
They’re sending Jon Venables and William Cornick to an Agatha Christie murder weekend. (December 4, 2016)
(p)(25) Experts Identify Mummified Legs as Those of Egyptian Queen Nefertari
I’m not impressed; I still say they belong to Joan Collins. (December 4, 2016)
(26) Kanye West’s Hospitalization Blamed On Medication Doses
Too right, a near fatal overdose of Kardashian. (December 5, 2016)
(27) Angela Merkel says she’ll ban the burqa because it doesn’t belong in Germany.
How about they keep the burqa and kick out five million Moslems instead? (December 7, 2016)
(28) The giraffe is said to be facing extinction. I’ll stick my neck out and say it won’t happen. (December 8, 2016)
(29) I hope Greg Lake believes in Jesus as well as Father Christmas. (December 8, 2016)
(30) December has been a bad month for Danniella Westbrook, but not as bad as Septumber. (December 22, 2016)
(31) I see Rick Parfitt has gone Down Down. (December 24, 2016)
(32) Rick Parfitt may not be going “Down Down” anymore, but neither will George Michael. (December 25, 2016)
(33) “I’m never gonna dance again...or sing, or walk, or eat, or drink...” (December 26, 2016)
(34) I wasn’t surprised the Queen would be missing the Christmas service after developing a heavy cold. I was surprised it killed him though; he was only 53. (December 27, 2016)
(35) Q: What did Rick Parfitt say to George Michael on Boxing Day 2016?
A: Fuck off, I’m not going “Down Down” on you. (December 27, 2016)
(36) Jeremy Corbyn compares Theresa May to King Henry VIII...
I don’t like fat rich cunts with beards. (December 29, 2016)
(37) Dannielle Westbrook has been seen playing bingo in Runcorn. That’s the only way she might find a house. (December 29, 2016)
(38) German officials say Facebook could be fined over hate speech posts
Seventy years on German leader still persecuting Jews (December 29, 2016 but published originally on Facebook, December 18)
(39) Plane carrying six disappears over Lake Erie
David Copperfield says he is only sorry Paul Daniels could not live long enough to see his magnum opus. (Decembe 30, 2016)
(40) Hillary Clinton Urged to Run for New York Mayor
I thought she was the Mare of New York. (January 6, 2017)
(41) Austrian police investigate Afghans over New Year’s sexual assaults
Dogging must be illegal there as well. (January 9, 2017)
(42) A pizza shop worker has been sacked for insulting a grandmother of 26.
Fucking hell, I didn’t have my first child until I was 31. (January 13, 2017)
(43) A circle, a triangle and a square are arguing about their local MP who had been accused of taking bribes.
The circle says to the other two: “I think he’s totally corrupt”.
The triangle replies: “He’s denied all the charges, and I have total faith in him”.
The square says to the triangle: “Don’t be obtuse”. (January 16, 2017)
(44) Hillary Clinton Aide Huma Abedin Wears All Black to the Inauguration
Bill Clinton said she was wearing black knickers too. (January 20, 2017)
(45) Feminism is the belief that a woman has the right to withdraw her consent at any time. Including after sex. (January 22, 2017)
(46) Donald Trump says he is going to reintroduce torture in the war against ISIS. All terrorist suspects will be forced to watch endless reruns of The Apprentice. (January 26, 2017)
(47) I thought Hiroshima was a war crime until I heard karaoke.(January 27, 2017)
(48) Ex Eastenders star Danniella Westbrook BLASTS EastEnders
I’d tell her to keep her nose out of it. If she had one. (January 28, 2017)
(49) “My film about fighting racist law shows all voices can be heard”.
If she wants to make a stand against bigotry she should start by charging her name from Ruth Negga. (February 3, 2017)
(50) “Homelessness is a stain on London’s conscience, we must be able to find solutions to it”
I’m not sure if importing half a million Syrians is the right way to go about it. (February 3, 2017)
(51) Man jailed after killing neighbour with POTATO
I had a spud gun when I was a kid; I didn’t realise they were real. (February 6, 2017)
(52) I always thought Danniella Westbrook would outlive Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Pity her nose didn’t. (February 8, 2017)
(53) Michelle Obama to be guest judge on Gordon Ramsay’s MasterChef Junior
Looks like the winning recipe will be fried chicken and watermelon washed down by a Coors beer. (February 10, 2017)
(54) Jane Park to sue Euromillions for letting her gamble at 17 after claiming £1m win ruined her life
So she is angry they gave her so much money, now having thrown it away she is suing them for more money so she can ruin her life all over again. (February 13, 2017)
(55) Woolly mammoth could be brought back from the dead in two years
I didn’t even know Susan Boyle had retired. (February 16, 2017)
(56) Here is the news in black and white:
Miss South Africa 2016 arrested at London Heathrow Airport With 2Kg of Cocaine (February 22, 2017)
(57) Cressida Dick makes history as Metropolitan Police’s first female Commissioner
This is the second time she’s made history; the first was in 2005 when she authorised armed police to kill an innocent man. (February 22, 2017)
(58) Lindsay Lohan: I was racially profiled and asked to remove headscarf at Heathrow
The Moslem customs officer profiled her as a mad white bitch with a serious cocaine problem. (February 22, 2017)
(59) I’ve heard the new Police Commissioner Cressida Dick is a lesbian. I have my doubts after the way she fucked Jean Charles de Menezes. (March 3, 2017)
(60) Barack Obama has dismissed as ludicrous claims by Donald Trump that his predecessor tapped his phones during the 2016 election campaign. So has Edward Snowden. (March 4, 2017)
(61) FBI asked Justice Department to refute Trump’s wiretapping claim
The FBI Director has responded: “The claim President Trump made to his son-in-law in a phone call to his private apartment at 11.19am last Monday has no basis in fact”. (March 6, 2017)
(62) If Rachel Maddow is a dyke, how come she just got fucked by Donald Trump? (March 15, 2017)
(63) Secret Buckingham Palace plan for Queen’s death revealed
There will be wall-to-wall coverage of his greatest hits starting with Candle In The Wind and ending with I’m Still Standing. (March 16, 2017)
(64) Chelsea Clinton Releasing Children’s Book Inspired By Elizabeth Warren
It’s called The Return Of Pocahontas; her next book will be inspired by her mother: The Witch Of Arkansas. (March 17, 2017)
(65) Man charged over attack on Gainsborough painting at National Gallery
I bet he was arrested by a Constable. (March 19, 2017)
(66) From Chuck Berry to bury Chuck. (March 19, 2017)
(67) How the latest terror attack on Parliament was reported:
Metropolitan Police: A police officer was killed. Three members of the public also died.
Socialist Worker: Freedom fighters attack centre of Imperialist power.
Anti-Racist Alliance: Terror attack on Parliament provoked by racist policies of Donald Trump.
The Fawcett Society: Another shocking example of male violence.
ISIS: Four down, sixty million to go. (March 22, 2017)
(68) Westminster attacker named by police as Khalid Masood
I can’t say I’m surprised. Marrying that stupid cow from EastEnders would be enough to drive anyone mad. (March 23, 2017)
(69) Trump Signs NASA Bill Aimed at Sending People to Mars
Wouldn’t his original plan of building a wall be cheaper? (March 24, 2017)
(70) Gunman in a PIG MASK goes on rampage at the famous Bellagio casino in Las Vegas
It was a whole five minutes before security realised he wasn’t a real police officer. (March 25, 2017)
(71) Four-year-old girl dies after ‘hit and run’ crash
I blame the parents, letting a kid of that age drive. (March 26, 2017)
(72) Why London is the best place to be a Muslim
Plenty of underage girls to pick up in the amusement arcades. Prostitutes to attack in the West End. Queers to bash coming out of their clubs. Plenty of Jews in Stamford Hill, easy targets. No bomb detecting equipment on the Underground. (March 29, 2017)
(73) 10 struggles Muslim girls will relate to
Wearing the niqab, especially when you go shoplifting; crying racism when you’re caught; being sexually assaulted by your imam, blackmailing him after videoing it on your mobile phone; being raped by your uncle, gang-banged by his drinking pals, beaten up by your brother, pimped by your other brother, called a slut by your mother, being murdered by your father for dating a heathen. (March 29, 2017)
(74) George Michael laid to rest in private funeral
Don’t wake me up when you go, go! (March 29, 2017)
(75) Stourbridge stabbings: homeless man charged with murder
Guess he won’t be be homeless for the next thirty years. (March 31, 2017)
(76) Susan Rice. Because black girls do it better. (April 5, 2017)
(77) Man accused of eating girlfriend to get mental evaluations
When I ate mine, all I got was the taste of fish in my mouth. (April 7, 2017)
(78) Just heard about that terror attack in Sweden. They laughed at Donald Trump, now they’ll realise he’s psychic. (April 7, 2017)
(79) Chechnya denies imprisoning, torturing gays, claiming they don’t exist there
“We’ve killed them all”, said the Ambassador. (April 11, 2017)
(80) Elephants pass intelligence test with ‘profound implications’ for our understanding of the species
Guess that means I won’t be able to call my wife Dumbo anymore. (April 12, 2017)
(81) Calls for Assad’s wife to be stripped of UK citizenship
I’ll settle for stripping her. Have you seen the body on that sexy Arab bitch? (April 12, 2017)
(82) ‘Smart, funny’ boy, four, killed by van as he played football
That wasn’t so smart; I bet his mother doesn’t think it funny either. (April 20, 2017)
(83) When he heard Swirling Serena was pregnant, Alexis Ohanian said he was thinking of renaming Reddit to BlackenIt. (April 24, 2017)
(84) What’s the difference between Elton John and Hillary Clinton?
He’s still standing; she’s still lying. (April 25, 2017)
(85) Man admits plotting to carry out nail bomb attack at Elton John’s Hyde Park concert on 9/11 anniversary
In his victim impact statement, Elton urged the judge to show mercy because the man had inspired him to write a new album: Don’t Bomb Me, I’m Only The Piano Player. (April 27, 2017)
(86) The Islamist terrorist arrested in London this afternoon has been identified as a 50 year old Thalidomide victim. Police say he was unarmed. (April 27, 2017)
(87) Police in Lancashire tackle surge of spice-related incidents
Gerry Halliwell was arrested for being drunk and disorderly; Mel B was arrested for damaging her husband’s limousine; and Victoria Beckham had her handbag stolen. (April 27, 2017)
(88) Armed police shoot woman in burka in London terror raid
Fuck me, can’t they just ban the thing? (April 28, 2017)
(89) George Michael fans start cheeky petition to set up memorial bench at his favourite ‘sex haunt’s site in London park
And a fan in California has started one to rename the toilet in a Beverly Hills park after him. (April 30, 2017)
(90) The Diane Abbott interview with Nick Ferrari is the first time I’ve ever seen a black woman mugged by a white man. (May 2, 2017)
(91) Barack Obama once considered a gay relationship claims controversial new book
From Barack Obama to Barack the Bummer! (May 4, 2017)
(92) Diane Abbott’s boyfriend won the lottery and offered to buy her a brand new high range car. What make would you like, he said?
Anything but a Ferrari, she replied. (May 5, 2017)
(93) Mountaineer, 85, dies attempting to reclaim title of oldest to climb Everest
The good news is that he will still appear in the next edition of The Guinness Book Of Records – as the oldest person to die on Everest. (May 7, 2017)
(94) Tom Daley ‘weds his Romeo with Shakespeare balcony scene’
Surely a cubicle in a public toilet would have been more thematic. (May 7, 2017)
(95) Nicki Minaj offers to pay tuition fees for fans who can prove they get straight A’s
Her money will be safe. So far she hasn’t found any of them who can read. (May 8, 2017)
(96) May 8, 2017: Sex with the woman on top is the most dangerous position for men, say scientists – but having him on top is the safest
Too right, if Clinton had beaten Trump, America would have been well and truly fucked. (May 8, 2017)
(97) Primitive Human-Like Species Lived More Recently Than Expected
Apparently King John’s letters patent for the Borough of Liverpool was dated 1207 by mistake instead of 1205. (May 9, 2017)
(98) Bill Clinton is writing a crime novel; it’ts called My Life With HILLARY (Based on a true story) (May 9, 2017)
(99) Jeremy Corbyn sings along with a busker during campaign stop in Ashton-under-Lyne
Busker? That bloke with the guitar is his chief fund-raiser. (May 10, 2017)
(100) China aiming to ‘capture an asteroid by 2020’ for bizarre reason
It’s been accused of spying for Taiwan. (May 12, 2017)
(101) See the Limerick Page for this joke about James Comey (May 12, 2017)
(102) Ebola: WHO declares outbreak in DR Congo
You got me, Ebola. Who is it? (May 12, 2017)
(103) MYSTERIOUS GIANT SEA MONSTER FOUND OFF THE COAST OF INDONESIA
I wondered what had happened to Vanessa Feltz. (May 12, 2017)
(104) Pastor attempting to walk on water like Jesus is eaten by crocodiles
Next week, after his Resurrection, he will complete his hat trick by feeding his entire village with 5 loaves and 2 fish. (May 15, 2017)
(105) Teacher: Now class, can anyone give me an example of a euphemism from today’s newspapers?
Boy: Please Miss, the headlne in the Daily Mirror was Child killer Ian Brady dies at seventy-nine; in the Daily Sport it was Elderly sex mad Scotsman rejoins his blonde girlfriend at last. (May 16, 2017)
(106) Shariah court in Indonesia sentences gay couple to caning
One of the men pleaded for leniency but the other said he was okay with it provided it was carried out by a police officer wearing black boots, a Stetson hat, and a Freddie Mercury moustache. (May 17, 2017)
(107) Trump takes part in traditional Saudi sword dance
The President said he was less worried about cutting his foot on a sword than getting a dagger in the back when he returns home. (May 20, 2017)
(108) Big game hunter crushed to death by elephant as it collapses on top of him after being fatally shot
Police have not yet released the animal’s name but William Hill are offering 5/2 Susan Boyle and 3/1 Diane Abbott. (May 22, 2017)
(109) Pound falls on Conservatives’ poll slide
Theresa May says Steve Pound always was a clumsy cunt. (May 22, 2017)
(110) Michael Barrymore: Entertainer ‘should get substantial damages’
Fuck me, he’s trashed his show business career, gone bankrupt, lost his palatial home, and been accused of murder. How much more damage does he want? (May 22, 2017)
(111) Manchester attack: 22 dead and 59 hurt in suicide bombing
These jihadis are dumber than I thought; don’t they realise Coronation Street is not a real place? (May 23, 2017)
Click here for Manchester/Ariana Grande jokes.
(112) I like Ariana Grande; she may be only 5 foot 3 but her concerts are always explosive and end with a bang. (May 23, 2017)
(113) If Roger Moore had died in Manchester instead of Monaco, he would have had a Grande send off. (May 23, 2017)
(114) Manchester Area suicide bomber named by police
These names include bastard, cunt, and murdering scum. (May 23, 2017)
(115) Rice causing London herons to be born deformed
The mothers must be even more deformed if they’re giving birth rather than laying eggs. (May 25, 2017)
(116) Wonder Woman UK premiere cancelled after Manchester attack
Theresa May has turned down an offer by Donald Trump to send in Superman to deal with any lurking jihadis. (May 25, 2017)
(117) Can’t help thinking Ariana Grande brought this on herself by calling it the Dangerous Woman Tour. (May 25, 2017)
(118) Manchester police fear suicide attacker had second bomb
Hope they catch him before he sets off this one too. (May 26, 2017)
(119) Katie Hopkins’ TV chatshow axed
Katie Hopkins axed sounds a lot better. (May 26, 2017)
(120) Man claims he was given ‘anti-West’ leaflet at mosque
I must say I’m surprised; after Manchester, I would have thought most of them supported Rose West. (May 26, 2017)
(121) Snakes can actually hunt in packs
As Donald Trump is beginning to realise. (May 27, 2017)
(122) Defiant runners take to Manchester’s streets after arena bombing
Quite right, you won’t believe how fast they ran when that bloke with the rucksack shouted “Allahu akbar!” (May 28, 2017)
(123) Man dies after being shot in Bangor supermarket car park
Fiddler’s Dram are reuniting to reissue their 1979 hit with the slightly amended title Didn’t He Have A Horrible Time The Day He Went To Bangor? (May 28, 2017)
(124) Australia to ban convicted paedophiles from travelling abroad
“They can stay here and abuse our own kids” said Foreign Minister Julie Bishop. (May 30, 2017)
(125) Director Patty Jenkins explains why the world needs Wonder Woman
She sounds a lot more convincing than Hillary Clinton last year. (May 30, 2017)
(126) TV presenter: There was a shock upset as Johanna Konta was knocked out of the French Open in the first round for the third year in a row.
How can it have been a shock when she was on a hat trick? (May 30, 2017)
(127) Harriet Harman on why Labour has never had a female leader
Because she’s so fucking senile she can’t remember Margaret Beckett. (May 31, 2017)
(128) Activist investigating Ivanka Trump shoe supplier detained in China
In Washington, a 25 year old man has been arrested for looking into her knickers. (May 31, 2017)
(129) Trump says a decision on Paris accord is coming very soon
But Paris Hilton says he can go and fuck himself. (May 31, 2017)
(130) COFVEVE decoded:
Clinton – Overt Vitriolic Fraudulent Egotistical Feminist Ex-politician. (June 1, 2017)
(131) TVs in children’s bedrooms ‘increase risk of obscenity’
I’ve found just the opposite; when I removed it from my son’s he said “Dad, where’s my fucking TV gone?” (June 2, 2017)
(132) Mosques in Manchester ‘refuse to bury Salman Abedi’s body’
Bury it? The cunt’s gonna burn. In Hell. (June 2, 2017)
(133) Leo Varadkar: Ireland set to have first gay PM
If you’re Irish, come into the bath-house... (June 2, 2017)
(134) London attack: More armed police on duty in Scotland
They’ve been issued with special telescopic rifles in case there is another attack on Borough Market. (June 4, 2017)
(135) Ambassador Haley: ‘President Trump believes the climate is changing’
He’s ordered the Attorney General to turn up the heat on Hillary Clinton. (June 4, 2017)
(136) Diane Abbott pulls out of Woman’s Hour debate due to illness
She’s sick of being made to look a fool; sick of being laughed at; sick of having to dodge important questions she can’t answer. (June 6, 2017)
(137) ‘Two face’ boy defies odds and baffles doctors by reaching 13 after strangers told parents to ‘put him down’
What is so baffling? Two face girl Hillary Clinton will be seventy this year. (June 6, 2017)
(138) Fox sorry for ‘reprehensible’ Hopkins comments
Fuck me, she must have crossed the line if Basil Brush has deserted her. (June 6, 2017)
(139) Noel Gallagher has ‘donated profits from sales of Don’t Look Back in Anger’ to Manchester bomb fund
I’m shocked. He’s the last person I’d have suspected of being a jihadi. (June 6, 2017)
(140) Study casts doubt on the idea of ‘big fluffy T. rex’
Unlike the woman who wrote this article, I’m old enough to remember Marc Bolan. And his Afghan coat. (June 7, 2017)
(141) Ex-wife of London Bridge terrorist says one day she’ll have to explain to daughter what her father did
If she had any shame at all she’d tell the girl the stork brought her. (June 7, 2017)
(142) Diane Abbott has ‘serious, long-term condition’
She’s been seriously batshit crazy ever since she was shagged by Jeremy Corbyn thirty years ago. (June 7, 2017)
(143) My wife has started the Hillary Clinton diet: nothing burger and whine. (June 8, 2017)
(144) Trafalgar Square evacuated by armed police
What other type are there, Thalidomide police? (June 8, 2017)
(145) Officer who took on London Bridge attackers ‘would do same again’
That’s brave of him, offering to confront three dead men. (June 8, 2017)
(146) Job centre knifeman strapped fake explosives to chest – police
His solicitor says it was all a big misunderstanding; he was simply demonstrating how he would apply for a job as a stunt man. (June 9, 2017)
(147) She worked for the NSA, leaked documents to the press, talked about burning down the White House, and made plans to run away to join the Taliban.
Reality Winner should change her name to Fantasy Loser. (June 9, 2017)
(148) Kim Edwards: The girl who killed her mother and sister
Not only that, but the poor orphan has no one to visit her. (June 9, 2017)
(149) London attackers had Molotov cocktails, tried to hire truck: Police
So much for Moslems being teetotal. (June 10, 2017)
(150) Tired, Traumatised Mosul Mothers Unable To Breastfeed
One said she would definitely stop when her son starts university next year. (June 11, 2017)
(151) “I have youth on my side” – says the 68 year old Jeremy Corbyn. (June 12, 2017)
(152) “Sorry for being such a colossal idiot” – says the five foot five Richard Hammond. (June 12, 2017)
(153) “Facebook blasphemer” given death penalty
That’s a bit much just for calling Mark Zuckerberg a rich cunt. (June 12, 2017)
(154) COMEY — Cunt Of Megalithic Egotistical Yelping. (June 12, 2017)
(155) Earthquake kills woman on Greek island of Lesbos
Strange name for a Syrian refugee. (June 12, 2017)
(156) The rarest passport in the world is so exclusive there are only three in existence
Fantasy Island: The delusional Hillary Clinton, her co-conspirator Loretta Lynch, and their maid Maxine Waters. (June 12, 2017)
(157) Oxford professor dies after being trampled by herd of cows
I warned him not to tell that rape joke to a gender studies class. (June 14, 2017)
(158) Abuse of Diane Abbott driven by racism and misogyny, says Umunna
Or maybe it’s because she’s just a dumb black bitch. (June 15, 2017)
(159) In the wake of the Finsbury Park attack, a spokesman for ISIS said his movement had been misunderstood by the Western media: “We are an equal opportunities terrorist organisation, and are committed to murdering mainstream Moslems along with you infidel scum.” (June 19, 2017)
(160) A Teenager Was Mauled to Death by a Bear During a Mountain Race in Alaska
Serves him right for trying to race a bear. (June 19, 2017)
(161) This didn’t make my day:
Clint Eastwood (1930-2017) R.I.P. (June 20, 2017)
(162) Man jailed for dangling baby from window in Algeria
Airline confirms Michael Jackson fan club charters fleet of planes to fly to Algeria. (June 21, 2017)
(163) Duke of Edinburgh taken to hospital as ‘precautionary measure’ for treatment of infection
Sounds like another case of foot-in-mouth disease. (June 21, 2017)
(164) Three trapped as crane collapses in Crewe
I wouldn’t have thought a bird as heavy as that could fly. (June 21, 2017)
(165) I’m surprised they decided to record the Paul Simon song Bridge Over Troubled Water as a charity single.
I would have thought a Deep Purple song would have been more fitting: Fireball. (June 22, 2017)
(166) ‘Remarkable’ drop in new HIV cases among men
What is so remarkable about that? Queers can’t breed, so once they all die off, no more AIDS. (June 23, 2017)
(167) The Queen reported to police for not wearing a seatbelt on her journey to Parliament
This sounds interesting: The Queen v The Queen. If she is convicted, will she pardon herself? (June 23, 2017)
(168) April 28: Barack Obama paid another $400,000, this time for a 90-minute speech to advertisers
June 22: Obama attacks Republican health bill as ‘massive transfer of wealth’ to the rich (June 23, 2017)
(169) Suicide bomber targeting Mecca hurts six...
Police have warned the public Ladbrokes or William Hill are likely to be next. (June 24, 2017)
(170) Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle attacked by gang of up to 15 teen thugs
Police have confirmed that nine were taken to hospital; it is believed those who escaped suffered only minor bruising. (June 25, 2017)
(171) ...Six officers injured in rioting over death of black father following police stop
That’s odd. None of the black kids I know have fathers. (June 26, 2017)
(172) Donald Trumps and Loretta is Lynched! (June 27, 2017)
(173) Paddle boarder hangs out with ‘super friendly’ whale...
So does fashion photographer:
Pregnant Serena Williams poses naked on the cover of Vanity Fair (June 28, 2017)
(174) Germany has finally decided to do something about the Syrian immigrant menace: it’s legalising same-sex marriage. (June 30, 2017)
(175) Sick image of ‘Grenfell Tower memorial candle’ goes viral
If they call that sick, wait until they see the Grenfell Tower burger my local caff is serving. (June 30, 2017)
(176) Q: What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and Don Lemon?
A: One’s a white vegetable; the other’s a black fruit. (July 2, 2017)
(177) John McEnroe now regrets his Serena Williams ‘700th in the world’ put-down
Serena Williams says she accepts his apology, and hopes he won’t press charges when he is discharged from hospital. (July 4, 2017)
(178) ELTON JOHN BOMB PLOT: BRITISH JIHADI JAILED FOR LIFE AFTER SPY STING
He tried to kill the Rocket Man, so now he’s going away for a long, long time. (July 4, 2017)
(179) Hard Brexit ‘means people fleeing UK’, Jeremy Hunt note says
Hopefully he’ll fuck off to Beijing with his Chinese wife. (July 4, 2017)
(180) Vulnerable ‘playing Russian roulette’ choosing care
But on the bright side, there will be 16% fewer people needing care this time next year. (July 6, 2017)
(181) Police Find Drugs in Raid of Vatican Apartment
The Pope on dope? No wonder he prays to High Heaven. (July 6, 2017)
(182) Woman raped by three men after exclusive Henley Regatta party
From Henley Regatta to “Hey guys, we got ’er!” (July 7, 2017)
(183) U.S. feminist who spread the usage of “Ms.” dies at age 78
She will not be MSsed at AVfM. (July 8, 2017)
(184) May ‘dismayed’ that Trump is pulling US out of Paris accord
I'm surprised he put it in in the first place. He was 71 last month. (July 8, 2017)
(185) Theresa May orders Tory MP to be suspended after using N-word
Even worse, her husband says if she uses it again this month he will divorce her on the grounds of unlawfully withholding his conjugal rights. (July 10, 2017)
(186) Anne Marie Morris defended after racist language suspension
The President of her local party said she was astounded; it was only a joke, that prune-faced old white bitch Theresa May has no sense of humour. (July 11, 2017)
(187) Jeremy Corbyn condemns Boris Johnson’s ‘silly remarks’ on Brexit bill
Whatever he said, it can’t be as silly as a bloke who gives his kid a name like that. (July 11, 2017)
(188) Theresa May’s image removed from Conservative party website homepage...
At least she has only one face to remove, unlike Hillary Clinton. (July 12, 2017)
(189) Gay ex-cavalry officer wins his Supreme Court battle to secure his husband the same pension rights as a wife
As he was in the cavalry, no need to ask who mounts who. (July 12, 2017)
(190) Ariana Grande made honorary citizen of Manchester
Lucky for her, Donald Trump has just revoked her citizenship as an anchor baby. (July 12, 2017)
(191) Saudi Arabia has ‘clear link’ to UK extremism, report says
I can’t say I’m surprised but I’m a bit skeptical about the claim that Richard Dawkins has been named as the leader of the Oxford Wahabi cell. (July 12, 2017)
(192) Who writes these fucking Emmerdale scripts? Tonight Aaron the village faggot has told his husband to get off his back, and says he can’t think straight. (July 12, 2017)
(193) Catholic Malta votes to legalise same-sex marriage
From island in the Sun to take it up the bum. (July 12, 2017)
(194) Nicola Sturgeon meets EU’s Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier
Nicola Sturgeon’s husband arrested after brawl with amorous French politician in Brussels hotel. (July 13, 2017)
(195) May reveals ‘devastation’ on night of election result
That sounds a lot worse than it is with a Chinese accent. (July 13, 2017)
(196) An American fashion store is promoting the new Hillary Clinton range: trouser suit, flip flops and a tin foil hat. (July 13, 2017)
(197) Venus Williams too strong for Johanna Konta in Wimbledon semi-final...
I gather her backhand is a force to be reckoned with, but I wouldn’t want to get in the way of her drive. (July 13, 2017)
(198) Stephen Hawking: Trump is pushing us to the apocalypse
People have to push you everywhere, you silly old cunt. (July 13, 2017)
(199) These Coloradans say Earth is flat. And gravity’s a hoax. Now, they’re being prosecuted.
So they’ll be taken to court where they will be asked to swear an oath on a book that says the world was created in seven days, woman was created from man’s rib, and God impregnated a virgin whose son walked on water, turned water into wine, fed five thousand with five loaves and two fish, raised the dead, died for our sins, rose from the dead himself, then ascended to Heaven. (July 14, 2017)
(200) July 14, 2017: Floyd Mayweather says Conor McGregor totally disrespected black women.
Is this the same Floyd Mayweather who assaulted two women in a nightclub in November 2003 and was given a 90 day sentence in December 2011 for battering his former girlfriend? (July 15, 2017)
(201) These animals can survive until the end of the Earth, astrophysicists say
But Donald Trump has vowed to indict the Clintons by the end of the year. (July 16, 2017)
(202) Amber Rudd signals crackdown on acid attacks
I can recommend Alka-Seltzer. (July 16, 2017)
(203) Public sector workers are overpaid... says Chancellor Philip Hammond – salary £67,505, net worth £8.2 million. (July 16, 2017)
(204) Investigation launched after ‘woman’s hijab ripped off on London Underground’
False alarm – turns out this was a Moslem busker performing the dance of the seven veils. (July 16, 2017)
(205) ‘Don’t give up’ New hope for Charlie Gard as mum speaks out over against-the-odds recovery
Personally I’d have been a lot more hopeful if the mum concerned had been anyone but Kate McCann. (July 17, 2017)
(206) Terminally ill man launches legal challenge against UK ban on assisted dying
He said he’ll keep fighting for the next twenty years if necessary. (July 17, 2017)
(207) South Yorkshire police helicopter crew filmed people naked, court told
I’ll believe that when I see pigs fly. (July 19, 2017)
(208) The unarmed Australian woman shot by police in Minnesota was a tragic case of mistaken identity.
The police thought she was an armed black man in a car. (July 19, 2017)
(209) Carbon dioxide must be removed from the atmosphere to avoid extreme climate change, say scientists
Somebody should tell them to stop exhaling. (July 19, 2017)
(210) Astronomers don’t know what’s causing these weird radio waves from a nearby star
Obviously alien radio stations. (July 19, 2017)
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