LIMERICKS
BY MARK TAHA

 

Albert Squares

 

AIDS, junkies, depression, and benders
The Beeb in this programme does send us;
I’ve heard a vague rumour
That there’s Cockney humour,
So why is it not in EastEnders?

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]

 


Aunts

 

The aunts of Sunita are two,
And life’s biggest nightmares, that’s true,
These folk of Cor-rie
Are straight out, you see
Of Wodehouse, PG-double U!

 


Ben Mitchell

 

There’s a right little bastard called Ben,
He’s proved that again and again,
E’en by standards of Square,
He’s just too much to bear;
He should join his old man in the pen!

 


Bills

 

They come in and also they rise,
In front of my widening eyes,
Gas ‘leci’ and fares,
They makes me despairs,
And those who allow it, despise.

 


Bin Laden

 

The world’s worst terrorist dead,
The SEALs got him through the head,
Who cares for the circs’?
Legal-list-ic jerks –
Whinge a-bout something else instead!


 


Bleedin’ Obvious

 

The Government say you eat lease,
If you don’t want to stay obese,
Have we really got
To pay out a lot
For obvious comments like these?

 


Britain

 

Far more coloureds here, that’s for sure,
We succumb to PC allure,
And what’s the result?
P’raps too late to halt –
Our land’s not our land anymure!

 


Capello

 

There’s a manager name of Capello
Just gave up his job, did the fellow,
I know he was very
Loy-al to John Terry,
And no one can say he is yellow.

 


Coronation Street

 

Who kiled Frank, exactly who’d dare?
There’s several a motive do share:
Sally, Carla, Michelle,
They might all ring the bell
But with what he was like, who would care?

 


David Haye

 

There’s a heavyweight fighter named Haye,
A boxer who’s not had his day,
Fight a Klitschko brother,
Which one or the other
Would he hold the title then – eh?

 


Derek

 

There’s a total scum-bag name of Del,
An evil bas-tard, we can tell;
No surprise that I’ve seen
He gets on with Janine:
They de-serve each other – oh well!

 


Dickens

 

The problem with Dickens today:
They can’t understand what he say,
He’s heavy to read,
And the kids don’t pay heed,
They prefer to on-station play.

 


Flashman

 

I miss him and all the twelve books,
Wish there were more for me to looks,
The stories were great,
That GMF, mate,
The first one got me by the hooks.

 


Footballer Fined

 

A fifteen grand fine, is he bitter?
Even worse than his missing a sitter.
What was his crime? Well, all
Detached from football
A ho-mo-phobic comment on Twitter!

 


Free Advice To Rioters

 

If you really must be a crook
For God’s sake don’t too be a schnook,
If you should take this route
And grab you some loot,
Don’t pose with your haul on Facebook!

 


Gang War

 

There’s gangstas in London – disgrace,
Seven out of ten – one colour face,
Most of victims, that too,
But they say (so it’s true)
It’s still nothing to do with race!

 


George Bush

 

Does George Bush, succeed, does he fail?
So far there’s not much of a tale,
I hope either way
That in good health he’ll stay –
The alternative’s President Quayle!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


 

Graham Taylor

 

There’s a football man-a-ger named Taylor
Who should be locked up by a gaoler,
Pulled Lineker off,
The whole nation did scoff,
And re-a-lised he was a failure!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


 

Hell Hath No Fury

 

Her name is Ti-na McIntyre,
She’s been two-timed, and, breathing fire
At Graeme and Xin,
She will do them both in;
Their fault for inciting her ire!

 


If Only

There’s a slapper they call Katie Price,
Don’t really care what is her vice,
Med’a without her,
This might be a slur,
But it really would be very nice.


Iran

 

Bomb Iran? P’raps we should take the chance,
But our leaders must be a in trance;
Really should understand,
Plan to attack a land:
You do not let them know in advance!

 


Joe Frazier

 

A hero of mine as a kid,
I don’t regret – now he’s “did”,
Captained heavyweight ship,
Buttoned Louisville Lip,
And of the contenders, got rid.


 

John Stape

 

There is ex-teacher named Stape,
At least he did not commit rape,
Committed manslaughter,
Kidnapped Sally’s daughter,
And now the poor bloke’s mind’s gone ape.


 

John Terry

 

They say that the guy’s got some front
To play after saying “Black cunt!”
What’s said on the pitch,
Ought to stay there – don’t bitch,
Insult him back, you whinging runt!


 

Library

 

I borrow fresh books constantly,
Will have soon to cut back, you see,
Want myself to write
Even though, my friend, quite
What they want, my stuff don’t seem to be.

 


Life

 

At school the kids called me a mong:
The misfit stood out from the throng,
Never got anywhere,
Where it matters, can’t bear
To work out just how it went wrong!

 


Marquess Of Bath

 

We’ve got a new Marquess of Bath,
The fellow’s eccentric by half,
But why should he care?
He’s a mill-i-onaire
And the birds sure don’t think that he’s daft!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]

 


More Problems

 

They push up my utility bill,
And fares they want to increase still,
Things keep getting worse
They’ve their hands in my purse –
Surprised I’m emotion’lly ill?

 


Mugabe

 

He’s a butcher, a tyrant and cruel,
Al-so an incompetent fool,
Pro-gressives may complain,
But the facts still remain,
They want-ed black majority rule.

 


On 9/11

 

The Twin Towers went – that we saw;
Conspiracy theories galore:
Was it Israel, U-S?
I have to confess,
I do find them rather a bore!

 


Overseas Aid

 

Mitchell says: Give fortune away
In aid, and we’ll be proud someday.
Don’t let our cash roam;
Keep charity home,
And he’s a wet creep’s what I say!

 


Page 3

 

The feminists say of page 3:
An example of mi-sogyny,
That’s hatred of women,
I’ll tell them it bloomin’
Don’t have that kind effect on me.

 


Pan Am

 

This new show, it looks promis-ing,
I think I’ll keep watching the thing,
Good things I had heard,
And there’s more than one bird,
I don’t mean the kind with a wing!

 


Prisoners’ Wives

 

There’s a straitlaced young mum known as Harry,
Who with drugs she never would tarry,
Until she tried a spliff
Found what she’d heard was a myth,
To the Moon a joint her near did carry!


 

Problem

 

Can think up some lines in a trice,
But still it is not very nice,
To write down some lines
When your comfort one pines,
And your fingers are all cold as ice.

 


Stape

 

There’s an unlucky psycho called Stape,
The fellow must be going ape,
When he’s caught, you see,
What can be his plea?
That “I can’t help kill but by mistape?”


 

Stop The World

 

I just can’t stand presure or stress,
And change leaves my head in a mess,
I know that I’m strange
But I’m depressed by change,
Just a stick-in-the-mud, I confess!


 

Syria

 

I know it’s a revolting war,
Dead coming by the thousand score,
They say: Intervene!
But with de-fence so mean,
We ain’t got resources no more.

 


The Bonk Manager

 

There was an accountant named Frank
Who, wanting a loan from the bank,
Bonked the manager’s wife,
So blacklisted for life
Would have been better off just to wank!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]

 


The Brighton Comedian

 

There’s a printer from Sussex named Tony,
And as Nazis go he’s a phoney
He may print their shite
But he’d publish Searchlight
Or a loony’s claim that he was Boney!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]

 


The Unreal Deal

 

There’s a champion name of Evander,
About whom I must say with candour,
He can’t stop old men,
If he met Tyson, then
He’d fall down to his first right-hander!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line – and left Taha with egg on his face!]

 


The Wedding

 

A wonderful event, that’s clear,
Two titles for two sisters dear,
The duch-cam-for Kate,
For Pippa they state
Let’s make her the Rear of the Year!


 

Torchwood

 

Torch Wood, it will be over soon,
It’s dragged on – the end is a boon;
The premise was good,
As the weeks went, it could
Be said to have really gone doon.

 


Unnerving Irving

 

A historian name of Dave
About Hitler’s virtues did rave,
He’s convinced people that
He’s a mad Nazi prat
And many want him in the grave!

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]


 

World Cup 1994

 

The World Cup held in the US
When for soccer, Yanks couldn’t care less?
Are they mad – is it me?
Surely all must agree
Will be anything but a success?

[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]

 

 

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