AIDS, junkies, depression, and benders
The Beeb in this programme does send us;
I’ve heard a vague rumour
That there’s Cockney humour,
So why is it not in EastEnders?
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
The aunts of Sunita are two,
There’s a right little bastard called Ben,
They come in and also they rise,
The world’s worst terrorist dead,
The Government say you eat lease,
Far more coloureds here, that’s for sure,
There’s a manager name of Capello
Who kiled Frank, exactly who’d dare?
There’s a heavyweight fighter named Haye,
There’s a total scum-bag name of Del,
The problem with Dickens today:
I miss him and all the twelve books,
A fifteen grand fine, is he bitter?
If you really must be a crook
There’s gangstas in London – disgrace,
Does George Bush, succeed, does he fail?
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There’s a football man-a-ger named Taylor
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
Her name is Ti-na McIntyre,
There’s a slapper they call Katie Price,
Bomb Iran? P’raps we should take the chance,
A hero of mine as a kid,
There is ex-teacher named Stape,
They say that the guy’s got some front
I borrow fresh books constantly,
At school the kids called me a mong:
We’ve got a new Marquess of Bath,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
They push up my utility bill,
He’s a butcher, a tyrant and cruel,
The Twin Towers went – that we saw;
Mitchell says: Give fortune away
The feminists say of page 3:
This new show, it looks promis-ing,
There’s a straitlaced young mum known as Harry,
Can think up some lines in a trice,
There’s an unlucky psycho called Stape,
I just can’t stand presure or stress,
I know it’s a revolting war,
There was an accountant named Frank
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There’s a printer from Sussex named Tony,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There’s a champion name of Evander,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line – and left Taha with egg on his face!]
A wonderful event, that’s clear,
Torch Wood, it will be over soon,
A historian name of Dave
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
The World Cup held in the US
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
Aunts
And life’s biggest nightmares, that’s true,
These folk of Cor-rie
Are straight out, you see
Of Wodehouse, PG-double U!
Ben Mitchell
He’s proved that again and again,
E’en by standards of Square,
He’s just too much to bear;
He should join his old man in the pen!
Bills
In front of my widening eyes,
Gas ‘leci’ and fares,
They makes me despairs,
And those who allow it, despise.
Bin Laden
The SEALs got him through the head,
Who cares for the circs’?
Legal-list-ic jerks –
Whinge a-bout something else instead!
Bleedin’ Obvious
If you don’t want to stay obese,
Have we really got
To pay out a lot
For obvious comments like these?
Britain
We succumb to PC allure,
And what’s the result?
P’raps too late to halt –
Our land’s not our land anymure!
Capello
Just gave up his job, did the fellow,
I know he was very
Loy-al to John Terry,
And no one can say he is yellow.
Coronation Street
There’s several a motive do share:
Sally, Carla, Michelle,
They might all ring the bell
But with what he was like, who would care?
David Haye
A boxer who’s not had his day,
Fight a Klitschko brother,
Which one or the other
Would he hold the title then – eh?
Derek
An evil bas-tard, we can tell;
No surprise that I’ve seen
He gets on with Janine:
They de-serve each other – oh well!
Dickens
They can’t understand what he say,
He’s heavy to read,
And the kids don’t pay heed,
They prefer to on-station play.
Flashman
Wish there were more for me to looks,
The stories were great,
That GMF, mate,
The first one got me by the hooks.
Footballer Fined
Even worse than his missing a sitter.
What was his crime? Well, all
Detached from football
A ho-mo-phobic comment on Twitter!
Free Advice To Rioters
For God’s sake don’t too be a schnook,
If you should take this route
And grab you some loot,
Don’t pose with your haul on Facebook!
Gang War
Seven out of ten – one colour face,
Most of victims, that too,
But they say (so it’s true)
It’s still nothing to do with race!
George Bush
So far there’s not much of a tale,
I hope either way
That in good health he’ll stay –
The alternative’s President Quayle!
Graham Taylor
Who should be locked up by a gaoler,
Pulled Lineker off,
The whole nation did scoff,
And re-a-lised he was a failure!
Hell Hath No Fury
She’s been two-timed, and, breathing fire
At Graeme and Xin,
She will do them both in;
Their fault for inciting her ire!
If Only
Don’t really care what is her vice,
Med’a without her,
This might be a slur,
But it really would be very nice.
Iran
But our leaders must be a in trance;
Really should understand,
Plan to attack a land:
You do not let them know in advance!
Joe Frazier
I don’t regret – now he’s “did”,
Captained heavyweight ship,
Buttoned Louisville Lip,
And of the contenders, got rid.
John Stape
At least he did not commit rape,
Committed manslaughter,
Kidnapped Sally’s daughter,
And now the poor bloke’s mind’s gone ape.
John Terry
To play after saying “Black cunt!”
What’s said on the pitch,
Ought to stay there – don’t bitch,
Insult him back, you whinging runt!
Library
Will have soon to cut back, you see,
Want myself to write
Even though, my friend, quite
What they want, my stuff don’t seem to be.
Life
The misfit stood out from the throng,
Never got anywhere,
Where it matters, can’t bear
To work out just how it went wrong!
Marquess Of Bath
The fellow’s eccentric by half,
But why should he care?
He’s a mill-i-onaire
And the birds sure don’t think that he’s daft!
More Problems
And fares they want to increase still,
Things keep getting worse
They’ve their hands in my purse –
Surprised I’m emotion’lly ill?
Mugabe
Al-so an incompetent fool,
Pro-gressives may complain,
But the facts still remain,
They want-ed black majority rule.
On 9/11
Conspiracy theories galore:
Was it Israel, U-S?
I have to confess,
I do find them rather a bore!
Overseas Aid
In aid, and we’ll be proud someday.
Don’t let our cash roam;
Keep charity home,
And he’s a wet creep’s what I say!
Page 3
An example of mi-sogyny,
That’s hatred of women,
I’ll tell them it bloomin’
Don’t have that kind effect on me.
Pan Am
I think I’ll keep watching the thing,
Good things I had heard,
And there’s more than one bird,
I don’t mean the kind with a wing!
Prisoners’ Wives
Who with drugs she never would tarry,
Until she tried a spliff
Found what she’d heard was a myth,
To the Moon a joint her near did carry!
Problem
But still it is not very nice,
To write down some lines
When your comfort one pines,
And your fingers are all cold as ice.
Stape
The fellow must be going ape,
When he’s caught, you see,
What can be his plea?
That “I can’t help kill but by mistape?”
Stop The World
And change leaves my head in a mess,
I know that I’m strange
But I’m depressed by change,
Just a stick-in-the-mud, I confess!
Syria
Dead coming by the thousand score,
They say: Intervene!
But with de-fence so mean,
We ain’t got resources no more.
The Bonk Manager
Who, wanting a loan from the bank,
Bonked the manager’s wife,
So blacklisted for life
Would have been better off just to wank!
The Brighton Comedian
And as Nazis go he’s a phoney
He may print their shite
But he’d publish Searchlight
Or a loony’s claim that he was Boney!
The Unreal Deal
About whom I must say with candour,
He can’t stop old men,
If he met Tyson, then
He’d fall down to his first right-hander!
The Wedding
Two titles for two sisters dear,
The duch-cam-for Kate,
For Pippa they state
Let’s make her the Rear of the Year!
Torchwood
It’s dragged on – the end is a boon;
The premise was good,
As the weeks went, it could
Be said to have really gone doon.
Unnerving Irving
About Hitler’s virtues did rave,
He’s convinced people that
He’s a mad Nazi prat
And many want him in the grave!
World Cup 1994
When for soccer, Yanks couldn’t care less?
Are they mad – is it me?
Surely all must agree
Will be anything but a success?
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