The Condom Letters

Supersaver Mart,
4 High Hill,

August 13, 1996

Dear Mr Condom,

I am writing to you over an incident which occurred on Tuesday, August 6. My brotherís shop was raided by a gang of black thugs from up on the estate; we have complained about this several times before. My brother was contacted by a member of the Organised Crime Group who suggested that the shop be put under surveilance, but last week the officer wrote to him and informed him that he couldnít spare the men for such an operation; he said that his suggestion had been vetoed by his superior officer because New Scotland Yard had more pressing priorities.

This time the gang didnít just threaten my brother and demand protection money; this time they held a knife to his wifeís throat. When my brother protested, one of the gang stabbed him in the shoulder with an ice pick. Fortunately this was not a severe wound, but my brotherís wife, who was six months pregnant, was so traumatised by this incident that she had a miscarriage.

Please Mr Condom, you must protect us from these gangs of black thugs. We are honest, hard working citizens. What are we to do?

Yours sincerely,
P Tell

August 27, 1996

Your ref CUN/001/T

Dear Mr Tell,

With reference to your letter of August 13, you ask what you can do? Iíll tell you what you can do you fucking racist cunt, you can stop fucking snivelling about police protection for a start. How dare you refer to black gangs terrorising your poxy family? Donít you think my officers have better things to do than hang around your brotherís shop spying on law-abiding citizens? We have far more important priorities.

The reason we werenít able to stake out your brotherís premises last Tuesday was because four of my top officers led by Commander Wall of the Organised Crime Group had to raid the premises of a man who had been churning out pamphlets accusing the government and Hackney Council of subsidising incitements to murder police officers. This fucking trouble-making cunt had already referred two publications and a number of left wing bookshops to the Yard and the Attorney General for publishing what he calls hate literature. The newspapers concerned - Class War and Green Anarchist - both have staunch ďanti-racistĒ policies, so they canít possibly be categorised as hate literature. The pamphlets he was publishing though were in a very different category; he accused the leaders of our wonderful Anglo-Jewish Establishment of being apathetic. Obviously this is tantamount to rabid anti-Semitism, and I have orders to stamp out anti-Semitism at all costs.

Now as for you, you snivelling little fart, what I suggest you do is crawl back down your hole and donít bother me again, otherwise Iíll send the Special Patrol Group round to kick shit out of you and your arsehole of a brother, and his equally worthless wife.

Yours with contempt,
Paul Condom

September 10, 1996

Your ref CUN/002/T

My Dear Mr Patel,

I have just heard from your solicitor and must apologise for my letter of August 27; when I received your letter I misread the signature as P. Tell. Naturally I didnít realise you were a member of one of our most law-abiding and industrious minorities. Of course I will put your shop under surveillance so that the thugs who have been giving you hassle will be discouraged in the future. We have already identified the ring leaders. Although the gang is black the root cause of the problem is racism. What else? The problem is that these poor black boys suffer such overt discrimination in the job market that they take out their resentment on the more successful members of our ethnic communities. Rest assured we will be doing everything possible to combat racism and racist disadvantage in the future.

Please convey my deepest sympathy to your brother and his wife; this miscarriage was a terrible tragedy, but I gather they have nine children already so I hope this will be some consolation.

Yours very sincerely,
Paul Condom,
Commissioner for the Metropolis (Grand Lodge, 33rd Degree)

Reverend J. Martin,
31 Mosley Avenue,
London N16.

August 21, 1996,

Dear Mr Condom,

I am writing to ask you why the burglary my wife reported has not investigated. When she returned home after service on the evening of Wednesday, August 7, she found our home had been ransacked. She called the police at once; I had to drive some elderly worshippers home so didnít arrive home myself for another hour and a half, but the police hadnít arrived even then. I phoned the local station but was told, somewhat curtly, that they couldnít spare even one officer to make a routine call. I have since been informed that forensic samples are not taken on most burglaries, and I find this state of affairs shocking in a time of rising crime rates. What is this country coming to?

Yours faithfully,
J. Martin

September 2, 1996

Your ref PRI/001/K

Dear Reverend Martin,

With reference to your letter of August 21; listen, you fucking whining twat, you may think being a vicar gives you some sort of privilege but youíre just the same as the next man to me. In fact, you Christians make me want to puke; youíre the people who started that foul story about the Jews killing Jesus; youíre the ones who invented anti-Semitism; itís people like you who were responsible for the Holocaust. Hitler was a lapsed Catholic.

The reason we couldnít send someone round to investigate the burglary on your premises on August 7 was because we had to send a special squad round to the home of one of Britainís leading hatemongers, Lady Jane Birdwood. This wicked old witch has already been dragged into court twice for anti-Semitic hatemongering. Sheís a typical Christian Fundamentalist. Fundament more like. Iíve read some of her publications, and very stomach-churning they are too. Sheís got all sorts of links with other rabid right wing Christians. What makes you think my hard working officers would want to investigate a burglary at the premises of someone like you? Now sod off and donít bother me again or Iíll send somebody from the drug squad round your church to find a kilo of marijuana stashed under your altar.

And just for the record, it is not Mr Condom but Sir Paul, Reverend Martin. I received my knighthood for my exemplary service to race relations.

Yours in contempt,
Paul Condom,
Commissioner for the Metropolis (and defender of all faiths)

September 16, 1996

Your ref PRI/002/K

My Dear Reverend Martin,

First, please accept my profuse apologies for my letter of September 2. It wasnít until I spoke to your solicitor Mr Cohen that I realised my mistake. I feel really stupid not knowing that Rabbis are also referred to as Reverend. Like most people I thought that term was reserved solely for Christian ministers.

I have now passed on the file to the local CID who will call on you shortly to log all the missing possessions. We will also subject this burglary to a modus operandi analysis; I have spoken with the senior officer at Stamford Hill police station and is of the opinion that there is a ring of teenage glue sniffers at work in the area and that most of the property will be fenced locally. I concur. If more of our youth had the strict upbringing of those of our citizens of the Jewish faith and attended services regularly, there would be far less juvenile delinquency. I will be stressing this at my speech to BíNai BíRith later this month. Incidentally, Mr Cohen tells me that his father used to attend the same lodge as my dear old Dad, God rest him.

Yours very sincerely,
Paul Condom,
Commissioner for the Metropolis (Grand Lodge, 33rd Degree)

Southall CID,
678 High Street,
London UB1.

Your ref HAR\0013D\0013\LUK

October 25, 1996,

Dear Mrs Khan,

I am writing to you to in connection with the murder of your four year old son on or about November 4, 1995. First, please let me say how shocked everyone at this station was, as indeed was the whole country, over this terrible crime. The forensic report revealed that he had been sodomised by at least three different individuals prior to his being suffocated, and the manner of death was undoubtedly slow and indescribably horrible. Normally we would assign a team of our best officers to the case at once, and would only scale down the operation if no meaningful leads came to light within a year. Even then, two or three officers would keep an eye on the case, and inquiries would continue for an indefinite period. The recent report of a paedophile ring abducting and murdering children in Belgium has only increased our sense of outrage and urgency in solving such cases. Which brings me to the sad news.

If you have been following the recent debate in the House of Commons you will be aware that earlier this month the government issued a green paper on the subject of racially motivated crime. The debate and green paper followed a wave of anti-Jewish hatemongering by a cabal of anonymous anti-Semites who had taken to circulating an obscene cartoon depicting the concentration camp of Auschwitz-Birkenau as a holiday camp. These scum even depicted the well-known Holocaust survivor Kitty Hart as ďTitty FartĒ.

Obviously the Jewish community found these cartoons extremely distressing, and it has been decided to implement the recommendations of the green paper forthwith. Initially it was proposed only that these should cover anti-Semitic crimes, but under pressure from Messrs Paul Boateng, Bernie Grant, and Keith Vaz, the recommendations will apply to all racially motivated crimes, forthwith, though only against minorities. The police will now have the power to enter the premises of known or suspected racists without warrant and to arrest on reasonable suspicion anyone who is suspected of drawing a racially offensive cartoon or making a derogatory remark directed at a personís racial or ethnic origins.

We at Southall CID, as every other police station throughout the country, have received a direction from the Association of Chief Police Officers that in future all racially motivated crime is to be dealt with as a matter of priority ahead of all other crimes bar murder, rape and serious assaults. The new provisions will, regrettably, require a reassessment of policing priorities, especially in this age of cutbacks on public spending.

It has been decided, among other things, that the file on any unsolved murders will in future be closed after one year. An exception will be made for racially motivated murders as for all other racially motivated crimes, but I am afraid there is no evidence that your sonís murder was racially motivated, even though the killers are believed to have been white.

Therefore I regret to inform you that no further active steps will be taken to find your sonís killers. I can assure you that we are every bit as disappointed as you will be over this, but I am sure equally that you will understand we must have a proper sense of priorities. It is far more important for us to stamp out the ongoing crime of offending the sensibilities of the Jewish community (and others) than it is for us to expend valuable man-hours and public money attempting to apprehend mere child killers.

Yours faithfully,
Acting Chief Defective Inspector C. Chaney,
Southall CID

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