[This collection includes non-standard limericks: extended limericks and limerick poems, etc].
There once was a nonce name of Hunt-
There was a young man of Kalamazoo
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There was once an old DJ named Fluff
There was once a bent copper, Dizaei,
It was on the Free Enterprise ferry
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
A public schoolboy, Algernon,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was a bloke, Barrymore, oh such a pain,
There was once a young fellow named Hunt
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
A repulsive fat woman named Dworkin
It's well-known there are fish in a lough,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There was a Prime Minister, Blair,
As a footballer, George was the Best,
[The above was first published in The Comedy Bulletin, May 1988, and then in A Book Of Limericks]
Young Boy George is a showman with swank,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
Burmese Days is a George Orwell story
March 10, 1992
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
When playing the Caro, and mated
[The above was first published in CHESS POST, Issue No. 235, Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under Readers' Letters.]
Anytime you do business with me,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
Said a London detective named Jason:
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
Dennis T was the Crucible's hex:
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was this famous actor, Rock Hudson,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
Said a cop to his son: Don't learn Morse,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was once a young fellow named Major
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
Said a Jock: Of my race, I'm so proud,
Yeah, I know, Burke and Hare were Irishmen!
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was once a young lady named Fox
There was a chess player named Frost
There was once an arthritic giraffe
[The above was originally published in Neck, and then in A Book Of Limericks]
The vicar said: "What a disgrace
Said a molecule one ancient day:
October 24, 1984
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
Said a brilliant astronomer, Hubble:
[Hubble's Law was first published in the big Mouse, NO. 1, April 1988, then in A Book Of Limericks]
Was a Libyan student named Qaafi,
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
Gutter press label Big Mac a brat,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was a fair judge named Macrae
There was a young homo, McShane,
When a randy old Russian named Giat
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was a young lady named Klass,
A worried young mother known as Myleene Klass
There was an old fellow named Brooks
There was a bloke Brooks, who was said to love Jews,
A good year was 1984,
But living's not been such a blister,
December 21, 1984.
[Ten years after writing this I realised that dikes don't die of AIDS!]
There was once a young runner named Coe
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
For the ST I don't give a toss,
There was once an old fellow who lived in a tub
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
A self-employed shyster, Adoko,
It's well known the great Alekhine
[The above was first published in CHESS POST, Issue No. 235, Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under Readers' Letters.]
A lovely young maiden named Dowler
September 20, 2002
There's a fellow called Ob from Nigeria,
January 29, 1985
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks as On A Gentleman I Used To Know, But Will, For Obvious Reasons, Remain Nameless.]
Adultery isn't a sin,
Said a medium fellow named Home:
There is a magician named Blaine
Dave Blunkett is one of a kind,
There was an ex-boxer named Bruno
October 20, 2003
There was a con-man named Ski-Adam,
There was a bloke named IDS
Velikovsky the euhemerist
Or perhaps the poor fellow was drunk,
But the men with a sci'ntific yen
Still, we've come to expect men of science
For it seems that religion has not
Because science is an oligarchy,
But they're nice people, and I don't jest
There was a magician named Randi
John Leslie a rapist? May-be,
Billy Shakespeare a writer was who
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There is queer fellow named Jacko,
There was an old woman named Roper
There was a young lady named Sloan,
Said a learnéd philosopher, Kurtz:
Said a Ufo researcher named Klass:
And so can George Adamski, the ass!
The truth is, the psychic detective
A terrible blight is this SARS,
There was once a young author, Lomax
There once was a doctor named Freud,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was a strange fellow named Ted
The limerick form may not be
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
It's well known the Marshall Attack
[The above was first published in CHESS POST, Issue No. 235, Vol 42, No. 4 September 2004, page 243 under Readers' Letters.]
There was once a young fellow named Icke
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line]
There was an old slapper, Ulrika,
There once was a writer named Wilde,
The Marquis, he sent Wilde a note:
Shortly afterwards came his arrest,
On release from his punishment place,
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
Said an ancient astronomer named Patrick Moore:
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
There was once an unfortunate fella
There was a bald faggot named Pim,
Said the Member for Billericay
[The above was first published in A Book Of Limericks]
If my limericks you don't like,
There was an old man of Iraq
October 20, 2003
If you should see something you want
This guy screwed a virginal chick,
Said an eel to a fish: It does seem
An accountant from Glasgow named Mac
[The above was first published in Limericks On-Line as The Glasgow Accountant]
Said a bank teller named J.B. Rhine
Said a clergyman's daughter from Ealing,
A Limerick For Everybody's Favourite Double Child Killer
Ley who said "I'm sure that knife is blunt",
But alas, it was not,
Now a scarred face he's got
In Frankland gaol, the murdering cunt.
A Tongue Twister: Kalamazoo Sue
Had a girlfriend, Sue,
And a smew called Slew.
He said to her:
"O Sue, be true and never stew my smew,
For if you, Sue, should stew my Slew,
And if you tricked me, Sue, to chew
The stew of my smew, my stewed Slew,
I'd chew, then spew my stewed smew Slew over you."
Alan Freeman
Who said: Metal's made of the right stuff,
And although I'm not young
I would rather be hung
Than play Country, soul, or that schmaltz guff.
Ali Oops!
Whose methods were cunning and sly,
Alas, now it appears
He's been given four years
After one of his schemes went awry!
All At Sea
While the crew were imbibing their sherry,
That, on hearing some screams,
The first mate said: It seems
That our guests are unusually merry!
An Extended Limerick: The Public Schoolboy
Found "whore" in his new lexicon;
He said: That sounds nice,
Met one, asked her price,
And went with her twice,
Caught scabies and lice,
As well as both chancre and gonn.
An Ode To Michael Barrymore
Who plied a young butcher with booze and cocaine,
Now he's out on a limb
Come a 3am swim,
Let us hope he's not seen on our TVs again.
An Unrhymed Limerick: The Young Fellow Named Hunt
Who was kissing a girl in his canoe,
She said: Show me that trick
That you do with your fag
When you blow rings of smoke in the air.
Andrea Dworkin
Disapproved of men' leerin' and gawkin'
"I never give head
Cos I hate sex," she said,
"My flesh creeps at the mere thought of porkin'."
Bird In The Bush
But it isn't well-known that the chough
Is a similar bird,
To the jay - that's absurd?
They are of the same family though!
Blair Scandal
Who said: Honest I am, I do swear,
I must be, you see,
My wife is a QC,
And if I weren't, she'd so declare.
Boozer Loser
As a drinking man, he was a pest,
One day, caught on the hop,
Georgie nutted a cop,
So they sent him away for a rest.
Boy George
People stare at him like he's a crank,
But if you should say:
George O'Dowd, are you gay?
He'll just laugh, all the way
To the bank.
Burmese Days
Of a perplexed young fellow name Flory
Who does himself dead
With a shot through the head:
A tale that's both tragic and gory.
Caro Can't
In six moves, a student berated
His conqueror, for
The man said "You sure
A sap like you is FIDE-rated?"
Cash On Delivery
Don't expect to get anything free,
For whatever your merit,
I'll give you no credit:
I buy and I sell C.O.D.
Cunt In Disguise
"My promotion to sergeant I'll hasten
If I'm good at my job,
Have a care with my gob,
Hold my drink, and become a Freemason."
Dennis Taylor: World Professional Snooker Champion 1985
He left Thorburne and Knowles nervous wrecks.
In the final he came
From eight down to win fame,
And all thanks to his magical specs!
Doris Dazed
Was reputed to be quite a stud, son,
When he died, Doris Day
Exclaimed: "Rock Hudson, gay!?
I would never had thought him a dud, son."
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello
That's a waste of time in today's force,
But there's one vital code
You should learn - and he showed
Him...? the right way to shake hands, of course!
False Prophets
Said: I think it's a terrible wager
That in this century
The PM I will be;
She'll go on till my retirement age, 'er!
Forget Me Not, Scot
And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud,
Till the end of my days
All my brothers I'll praise:
Except Burke, Hare and Ally McCloud!
Foxy Lady
Gave her neighbours in Hydesville such shocks
By cleverly faking
Spi-rit table shaking
And all sorts of netherworld knocks.
Frost Bitten!
Whose path in a libr'ry I crossed;
He played a mean game,
Cold and hard like his name,
But I still am the champ, for he lost.
Giraffe Gaffe
Who when given a polka dot scarf
To protect his long neck
From the cold, said: "Oh heck!
Look at this, the hyenas will laugh!"
Grave Offence
'Tis a sacrilege here in this place.
But the groom was quite willing
And said: "It's so thrilling
To lie on a slab and embrace."
How Life Began
"I'm so tired of this transient way,
Existing, abating,
Without replicating."
And presto! So was DNA!
Hubble's Law
If the Earth were not shaped like a bubble,
But instead were made square,
Then its corners I swear
Would cause sailors a whole heap of trouble.
Isl'Armful Joke
Had a pet rat he Christened Qadafi,
Ignoring a rumour
His leader's ill-humour
Would make his blood boil
And his own career spoil;
Now the rat can be found
Six feet under the ground
Lying next to his owner,
Because the old groaner
Qadafi,
Took the joke in bad taste,
Told his hit men go waste
The young creep: "He will not at me laugh-i!"
John McEnroe
One can hardly take issue with that,
He disputes many calls,
And abuses his balls,
But he still is one hell of a cat.
Judge Macrae
Who said to a bloke, Doyle, today:
"A menace you are
With the guns in your car -
Five years for you. Take 'im away!"
Mike McShane
Who said: Sex in the arse is a pain,
But the pain is, I fear,
Far outweighed for a queer
By the pleasure: let's do it again!
Moscow Manoeuvres
Took a girl for a ride in his Fiat,
He asked her "Com-rade,
Would you like to get laid?"
But the girl slapped his face and said "Nyet!"
Myleene Klass (1)
Who said: You Old Bill are a farce,
Because I'll use a knife
To defend limb and life,
And if you should object - kiss my arse!
Myleene Klass (2)
Waved a knife at intruders through her kitchen glass,
And thought it most odd
To get warned off by plod,
Telling them: "You dumb rozzers can kiss my sweet arse!"
Nigel Brooks (1)
Who boasted of capturing crooks,
And loving hard work,
The poor guy's such a jerk,
And as daft as a brush in my books.
Nigel Brooks (2)
Regardless of how foul their deeds or their views,
But when told of a plan
To bomb sovereign Iran
He replied: "That accords with my pacifist views!"
Nineteen-Eighty-Four
With Bhopal, Ethiopia and more,
Like the miners on strike,
And the gay man and dike
Both dying of AIDS by the score.
Least not for the housewife and mister
Of Britain; Big Brother
Is not here to smother
Our freedom, instead, there's Big Sister!
No Go For Coe
Who said: Yes, it's a shame I can't go,
But I don't give a damn
For the likes of Steve Cram,
How good I am, you already know.
And I've got two fucking gold medals to prove it.
No Will Power: A Limeraiku
Fast.
But can it last
Twelve hour?
No will power!
Can it last?
No! Blast!
Ode To DOS
And the Mac's famous front end is dross,
For the Arch' and Amiga
I've never been eager
Because I'm addicted to DOS!
On A Modern Cynic
Disdainful of wine, women, song and good grub,
But when offered shares
In BT, he said: Where's
My cheque book? such easy dosh I cannot snub!
On Akena Adoko
Whose pleadings are rather a joke-o,
Is now in the pit
Branded vexatious lit',
After driving a High Court judge cocoa.
On Alekhine
In his personal life was not fine,
But when he contemplated,
The game levitated:
His combinations were divine.
On Amanda Dowler
Was kidnapped, and she didn't howl, 'er;
Silent carried away,
Now this September day
I'm informed that she looks rather foul, 'er.
On An Anonymous Nigerian
Whose gob is distinctly superior,
Which is rather good luck,
For his brain's full of muck
Of a kind that's distinctly inferior.
On Blunkett's Downfall
But if you fuck Kimberly Quinn,
While Home Secretary,
You'd better be wary,
You might have to pack the job in.
On D. D. Home
"From thin air I'll make in this room
A ghostly apport."
"Yes", came the retort,
"When the lights are turned out, I presume!"
On David Blaine
Who stood on a plinth in the rain;
His tricks are real clever,
But baby you'll never
Convince me he isn't insane.
On David Blunkett
But one thing that puzzles my mind,
You don't need be very
Smart to secretary,
But how does he type if he's blind?
On Frank Bruno
Who's not brain of Britain, as you know,
But recently he
Has been going loon-y,
As all members of his old crew know.
On George Adamski
Who said: Your believing me, Madam,
And buying books
From this most bare-faced of crooks
Makes me rich, (and you know that they're mad 'em).
On Iain Duncan Smith
Who said: "Though this party's a mess,
My apathy is
So great for this bus-
I-ness, that I couldn't care less".
On Immanuel Velikovsky
And His Detractors
Must be daft as a brush to insist
That Venus collided
With Mars and then glided
To where to this day it persist'.
Or as mad as an old Tsarist monk,
For when one analyses
His weirdo surmises
And theories, they're shown up as bunk!
Won themselves little credit back then,
By the paranoid treatment
They gave to his statement,
Suppressing the works of his pen.
To insist on the total compliance
Of the comm-un-i-ty
With the way that they see
Laws and theories: God help the defiants!
Quite a total monopoly got
Of the bigoted type
Who de-pre-cate as tripe
The less orthodox reasoning lot.
And the scientists are despots who see
Every man in the street
As outside the elite
If he hasn't an honours degree.
When I say they've more brains than the rest,
As have all our dictators,
And like all dictators
They know who is right and what's best.
On James Randi
Who said: Uri Geller's a dandy,
He always can bend
Spoons and forks, but, my friend,
Only when a magician's not handy.
On John Leslie
But what is a near certain-ty,
Is that Ulrika J,
Game, or unwilling lay,
Has fucked his career in TV.
On Literary Genius
Was a genius, Milton was too,
But the brightest young men
With a yen
For the pen
Are the Japs - they've the greatest hai-ku!
On Michael Jackson
Regarded by all as a whacko,
He owns lots of toys,
And he sleeps with young boys,
And he's not sure if he's white or black-o.
On Mike Tyson
Who said: My girl married a groper
Who thought it a jape
To fondle and rape,
Now he's doing six years - a no-hoper.
On Nadine Milroy-Sloan
Who went to the coppers to moan:
"A victim of rape!"
She cried, then agape
Looked on, as in clink she was thrown.
On Paul Kurtz
Atheism is something that hurts;
I'd like to live forever,
Alas, I will never;
Death is everyman's just desserts.
On Philip Klass
There are no little green men, alas,
And strange lights in the sky
Can play tricks on the eye,
On Psychic Detectives
Is quite useless and ineffective,
That crimes are solved by
Such con men, I'll deny,
The evidence for...is defective.
On SARS
It kills old folk, kids, and their ma's,
Hong Kong's in the thick,
But the Chinks aren't as sick
As the vectors of filth in gay bars.
On Scott (Don Quixote) Lomax
Who said: J. Bamber I'll never axe,
For he's not guilty, though
I can't see how 'tis so,
But I plead, "Don't confuse me with facts!"
On Siegmund Freud
Who was probably mad, paranoid,
To him, always sex
Was a problem, a hex,
A thing to be cured, not enjoyed.
On Ted Bundy
Who bashed young girls over the head,
They fried sicko Bundy
The day after Monday,
And folk rejoiced that he was dead.
On The Limerick
Quite the purest or best poetry,
But at least it's not full
(Like some stanzas) of bull,
And didactical pomposity.
On The Marshall Attack
Is very aggressive for black,
But first time 'twas played,
Capa', bold, unafraid,
Grabbed the pawn and gave Marshall a whack.
On The Son Of God
Who said: People can think what they like -
I'm the Prophet of God
And a wealthy young sod,
So I don't care if they take the mike.
On Ulrika Jonsson
A well-known publicity seeker,
Who turned men quite pale
When she swallowed her ale
With one fell swig from a pint beaker.
Oscar Wilde
Whose sexual habits weren't mild,
In fact they'd appear
To be shockingly queer,
For a nobleman's son he defiled.
To the sodomite Oscar, he wrote.
Oscar Wilde sued for libel,
But soon got an eyeful,
And backed down against the old goat.
And poor Oscar was surely distressed
When sentenced to do
Hard labour for two
Long years as Her Majesty's guest.
He departed in shame and all haste,
Thus, hard up and exiled
Did poor Oscar Wilde
Spend the rest of his life in disgrace.
Patrick Moore
At one time of a night I'd see clusters galore,
But of late I can't spy
With my unaided eye
More than twenty; my vision with age has grown poor.
Pie-Die
Who survived his wife's arsenic paella,
Then went out and bought
A chicken pie, caught,
And dropped dead from a bad salmonella.
Pim Fortuyn R.I.P.
In Holland, went out on a limb,
Now he's been shot dead,
Gunned down by a red:
The left didn't think much of him.
Queer Talk
To Tom Robinson: What can I say?
You're a brave little cunt,
It takes plenty of front
To both sing and be glad to be gay.
Reply To An Allegation Of Spamming
I would suggest: Dude, on yer bike!
The kill file is there
For all you who care
My anapaest ravings to spike.
Saddam On Blair
Who said: "Things don't look quite so black
Now that Tony Blair
Has had his heart scare,
Pity 'twas not a full blown attack!"
Save Then Spend
But you're hard up, there's no need to rant,
Just say: Fair enough,
I'll buy it soon, though
As things stand at the moment, I can't.
Screwed Up
He thought he was one clever dick,
He may well have been,
But the chick was fifteen,
Now this clever dick is in the nick!
Something Fishy
Rather strange seeing you swim upstream,
When salmon do this
There's nothing amiss,
But you're not one of them, you're a bream!
The Accountant From Glasgow
Told his client: It must be a hack
For your company is
Doing excellent bus-
Iness - and should be well in the black.
The Bank Clerk
To a customer: "You thieving swine,
I don't need ESP to divine
That you've stolen that cheque",
And grabbed him by the neck,
"Cos that signature's bloody well mine!"
The Clergyman's Daughter