The New X Certificate Nursery Rhymes


There was a crooked man
Got grassed up for a crime,
Was told by his solicitor:
“You’re gonna do some time,

But there’s no need to worry,
You’re not convicted yet,
I’ve got a friend who for a fee
Will do a jury vet.”

He took his lawyer’s hint,
And was released on bail,
The trial was sent for six months hence
And: “I’ll not go to gaol.”

But when he went to court
The jury told the judge:
“We find this man with guilt, M’Lord.”
What happened to the nudge?

He asked his lawyer that,
And said: "Ten years, I’ve got!
Did you with prudence act,
Or did you rip me off?"

“Of course not,” he replied,
I cannot understand."
He seemed to have the ring of truth
As he proferred his hand.

What was the mystery?
Did he betray a trust?
No, he was bugged, right from the start
The coppers had him sussed.

The jury was revetted,
Then afterwards his brief
Was collared by the CID,
Poor man near’ died of grief,

The crooked man said: “Ten years,
That’s a lot of bird to serve,
I only robbed a bank or two;
I didn’t this deserve.”

Ten years is a long time,
Although for the first three
He will at least have someone bright
To keep him company,

Because his lawyer didn’t
Get treated half as well
As he expected either,
And the two now share a cell.


Marjorie swore,
Her Mum
Smacked her bum
Said: “Don’t act like a whore.”


Cry baby bunting,
Daddy’s gone a-cunting!
Mum’s on the game,
What a terrible shame
For cry baby bunting.


Rock-a-bye slag heap
On the mountain,
When the wind blows,
The school will be buried,
Children and all.


Oranges and bananas
Say the bells of St Lesbos,

Polka dot pyjamas:
Say the bells of St Queers.

You owe me five shekels:
The usurer heckles,

The stewards evict him
And the chairman just sneers.

When will you pay me?
Quoth the stockbroker, bravely.

Off with his head:
The dictator said.


Little Boy Blue
Raped his teacher one mor.
“Put that in my file, bitch!”
He told her with scorn.


When Jack and Bill
Had sex with Jill
Three in a bed was fun,
Jack licked her twat,
And after that
Bill fucked her up the bum.


Mary likes a little lam,
She’s one right kinky femme;
She’ll give you O,
But lets you know
She favours S & M.


Hickory dickory dock,
The vicar was shoving his cock
Up the choirboy’s bum,
But he just couldn’t come,
Hickory dickory dock,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
Oh fock!


Goosey Goosey Gander,
Whither do you wander?

Mind your own fucking business!


Ring a ring o’ Bhophal,
The cyanide will choke all;
We all drop dead!


There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She bought a TV set,
And became so engrossed in soap operas
That she never had time to screw.


Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her whey and curd,
Of a sudden a thrush
Flew out of a bush,
And dropped in her pudding a turd.
She ate that too: dirty slag!


The Grand Old Duke Of York,
He had ten thousand men.
And caught AIDS.


Humpty Dumpty sat in a car
Wearing a mini-skirt, stockings and bra.
He was a queer old egg.


Old MacDonald had a farm,
It was a sewage farm.


Here is the church,
Here is the steeple,
Open the door,
And here are five hundred empty seats.


Ten black niggers
Sitting on the wall,
Ten black niggers
Sitting on the wall,
And if one black nigger
Should accident’lly fall,
They’d be one less nigger
To mug us white pee-pal.


Baa baa black sheep,
Watch out for the ram
Or you will end up in lamb.


Sing a song o’ sixpence,
Pocketful of money,
Went down to the local store,
Bought a jar of honey;
Went into the butcher’s,
Bought a fresh cap-on,
Bought an apple from the grocer’s,
And it had all gone.
Next time, I’ll vote Labour.


Pick a good horse
At twenty to one,
And back it to win,
You will find it more fun
Than if you back favourites,
For if you win,
But one out of five
You’ll be raking it in.


The Queen of Hearts,
She knew some tarts,
One was a right old twister.
You bet, I mean,
She was the Queen’s own sister.


Mary, Mary,
Loved a fairy,
But didn’t realise,
Until one day,
She saw a Gay
in his letter box.


Simple Simon
Met a woman
Said she was a whore;
“Fiver for a blow job,
Tenner for a jump, no more.”

Simple Simon
Gave her fifteen quid,
Blew up her crack,
Jumped on her, and said:
“That’s sex? I want my money back!”


Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum
Went forth to have a duel,
Tweedle Dum fired first,
And blew the fucker’s head off.


Little Bo Peep
She lost her sheep,
(Or was it only mutton?),
We don’t know where
It went, or care,
But ain’t she fat? The glutton!


Georgie Porgie ever so sly,
Fucked the whores and made ’em cry.
Did he beat ’em?
Did he bray ’em?
No, he just refused to pay ’em.


Hey diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over a cloud,
The owl gave a hoot:
“You’ve no parachute!”
And laughed at the heifer aloud
As it fell: SPLAT!
And broke every bone in its body.


This little piggy went to market;
This little piggy stayed at home;
And this little piggy got shot dead outside the Libyan Embassy.


Old Mother Hubbard,
She went to the larder,
Took out her explosives,
Got nicked by the Garda,
Got sent down for life,
As they locked her away,
She screamed: “Stuff the Queen;
Long live INLA!”


This old man,
He retired,
Well, not quite, poor bloke got fired.
Nick nack
Paddy Black
Was a foolish man,
Blew up his own unit’s van.

This old man,
They told him:
We’ll give you one more chance, Jim.
Nick nack Paddy Black
Said: Oh thank you, sir.
Let me shoot a soldier cur.

They gave him
Said: Blow the bar-racks to bits.
Nick nack
Paddy Black:
Yes I will, indeed,
I’ll destroy those demon seed.

This old man,
Crossed his wires,
Now he’s spread across the shires.
Nick nack Paddy Black
Went and made a bomb,
Blew himself to Kingdom Come.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.


In days of olde
When knights were bolde,
And went on long crusades,
Their wives
Were faithful, for their thighs
With belts were barricade-

With belt of metal,
“Sorry, Petal”,
Said one knight, “I trust
You love, sincere,
But dear,
I dare not chance another’s lust.”

Then off he went,
And spent
Five years in travelling and war,
Came home
And found his wife alone,
“Oh darling, what a bore!

I’ve slept in ditches,
But won riches;
Come, let’s celebrate,
I’ll take your belt off,
And we’ll have a good old fornicate.”

“O Lancers dear”,
Quoth Gwynny Veer,
I’ve missed your love so much;
I’ll warm the bed."
And off she sped,
He thought: “My faithful Dutch!”

Sat on his knee,
They kissed, and he
Said: “Right, let’s have it off.”
Then: “O my God,
Ye silly sod!
The bleedin’ key I’ve lost.”

“Don’t curse and shout,”,
Said Gwnyn with pout,
“Your faithful wife doth know
How careless ye
At times can be,
I thought you’d prob’ly lose the key,
So with great perspicacity
I called a locksmith here to me,
And had him make me secretly
A spare. Five years ago!”


This little piggy went to market;
This little piggy stayed at home;
And this little piggy had his head hacked off in the Tottenham riots.

Click here for a few explanatory notes.

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