My name is Sir Walter, I’m back from the dead,
I was doing okay till they chopped off my head,
Don’t be nervous fellow, I’m only a spectre,
I can’t hurt or touch you for I’m not a vector,
No, stop shaking, please do, you look ill at ease,
There’s no need to tremble, here, try one of these.
You know, things have altered a lot since my day,
Now women wear trousers and queers are called gay,
You don’t ride on horseback, but in motor cars,
Men walk on the Moon, and machines visit Mars.
Is that Coca Cola? Here, let’s have a sip.
Did you like that? Good, it’s my new filter tip.
I see you’ve calmed down a bit, good, where was I?
Oh yes, times are changing, and fast, by and by,
Let’s talk a bit, you’re in no rush, are you, friend?
Good, neither am I, so a while we can spend
Exchanging our views; I see that worked a charm,
So here, have another, no cause for alarm.
My being here, t’would seem amazes you greatly,
It’s true that I haven’t been doing much lately,
Most evenings I spend smoking fag after fag,
I must admit sometimes death can be a drag,
But here, have another, let’s smoke to you health,
The doctors are fools, these won’t ruin your health.
I see the Exchequer’s just put up the duty
On my treasured pastime to bring in more booty,
That really is such a despicable act,
We’ll have to put pressure on them to retract,
Let’s start a petition and pass it about.
Another? Go on, friend, your last one’s gone out.
It suits you, it suits you right down to the ground,
Try blowing a smoke ring and taking it down,
Can you feel the nicotine buzz in your chest?
A nice feeling, isn’t it? Don’t take a rest,
Chain smoke, that’s the best way it makes you feel mellow,
So what if it does make your fingers turn yellow?
There, you’ve got the hang of it ever so quick,
It’s not made you dizzy, unhealthy or sick,
Now keep it up, twenty or forty a day,
It’s not cheap, but that is the price you must pay,
I really must go now to visit your brother,
And give him the habit, but first, have another!
Back To Poetry Index